I Need To Be Bold

Goodbye AllyPelle.blogspot.com

It's been real. I apologize to ALL of my devoted readers. I know thousands of you are disappointed at the idea of missing out on my vague ramblings, poor grammar and inconsequential posts. This blog is a mess and I'm starting fresh. Unintentional rhyme.

BYE.

Out on The Street Are So Many Possibilities to Not Be Alone

When I was younger, maybe 16, or 18, i remember feeling like I could do absolutely anything. The world was so big and pretty and filled with possibility. There were songs and people and things running through me that made me feel like there was so much ahead. Why is it now that I don't see the beauty anymore? I feel the limitations weighing on me. They're so heavy. I feel like there are so many things I'll never get to do. Never get to see. Like my time's running out. It's almost up. How stupid is that?

I've had a really emotional week. It's been highs and lows to say the least. I wish I knew how to be better here but I need to get out.

"... do you see how the wind in your hair now feels differently?"

- catch and release, silver sun pickups

When We Hear a Certain Song that Hits The Spot and Puts Us in a World That's Not Real Anymore

isn't it hard to pretend that there's no feeling

when you're alone on sunny days

just give me hope there's some light

inside your own engine

some mechanism, still the same

would you be sad if it was raining down

and the only way to float was to smile

would you be mad if i hung around

and we talked like we used to for a while

and you said, how things have changed

they got rearranged

can't tell your left side from your right

and how i'm to blame

for your burning shame

just hang your head low down tonight

oh my brother, it's gonna be alright

if i could change to maybe save

just a breath or two

i would leave it all behind

if i could see you smile

on the morning day

maybe there would still be time

and would you be sad if the world were round

and the only way to live was to sing

would you be mad if I hung around

we shared some of our stories or our tales

and I said how things have changed

they got rearranged

i miss you like the night time misses day

and I held you through the hell and cold

i held you through the storm

would you be mad if the world were lies

and the only way to live was to love

would you mad if i was by your side

and i tried, i tried to help you up

and you said nothing's changed

i'm still the same

i just got confused for a while

but I still care

i still wanna share all of our stories for a while

I've been searching for new music. I'm sick of listening to all the same songs. I need one of those songs that kicks you in the stomach, wrenches out your guts and makes you all twisty-turny inside. That ache. Colby's Song by Joshua James has always been that song for me. Unfortunately, like that song, these usually fall in your lap when you're not looking for them. Kind of like love or opportunities or good ideas. So I'll be here. Not looking.

You Belong Somewhere You Feel Free

I don't feel very free here. I feel limited. I've been working "like it's my job." Well, that's because that's exactly what it is. I've been having more fun at work because I'm getting to know everyone much better so I'm able to enjoy it more. It's been really nice not dreading going in. When there are nice people to meet and appreciate your helping them, I love being there.

Other than that, absolutely nothing is new. Plans for the fall are beginning to materialize and it's nice knowing that I am finally going to get there. Hopefully I'll get to make a visit to the Cape to see Lizzie at the end of the month. I'm very excited to see John Mayer next week with the siblings.

It's been raining an awful lot this week, which is not unwelcome. I loved waking up to the sound of it pouring on the roof this morning. I've been getting great sleep this week as well, which is so unbelievably underrated. I haven't been losing the weight I hoped to, which is because I can't quite get my eating habits under control. And by that I mean, I can't make myself eat less. Maybe it'll be better in the fall when I control what food comes into my house. We'll see.

I can't wait for the summer to be over.

I miss these faces.

Pretty Voice

Things I Have Already Learned This Summer:

1. not everyone will like you all the time. some people will not like you just because you show up. or try. or smile. or are friendly. some people will criticize you because they can and you cannot expect them to like you. you have to earn people.

2. do not make decisions to quickly. sit with your thoughts and your feelings. trust yourself but question yourself more. your feelings will change. sometimes you can't go back even though people have let you go back many times before.

3. you need to have goals. living while floating is idle and wasteful. if you know what you want you can work for it and make it happen. you do not need to know everything right now, but you've got to have an idea. figure out the big stuff- the pencil sketches of what you want. only then can you ever really get there.

4. you are not nearly as cool as you sometimes think or pretend you are.

5. things can make you feel good about yourself. i don't care what anyone says.

6. if you are good at something, use it and run with it and let it make you feel alive.

7. it's good to know how to be your own best friend.

8. just because you felt it doesn't mean it's there. stop projecting what you want onto any mildly suitable candidate just because they are there. don't settle.

9. it's okay to be a realist, a romantic and hugely indecisive.

10. stop caring what everyone else thinks. the ballsiest, funniest and coolest people I know genuinely don't give a shit.

I Told You To Be Patient

Sometimes I feel busy. I really do. It's nothing to how busy I have sometimes been. It's weird how that happens. How so many things fill up your days and then they're gone. You find new things to fill them up. Sometimes one or two things to do in a day seem like such an effort when they used to seem like nothing at all. I have so much idle time here. Time I wished I had so many days before. I feel like I'm wasting it because I'm not creating anything or working towards anything. I am passing the time. I am waiting for something bigger. I am not accomplishing or progressing. I am sitting. My hair is growing, finally, and although it desperately needs a cut I will let it grow for as long as I can.

I got to go to Providence last week which was great. I was only gone for exactly 24 hours but it was such a welcome break. The Long Island Sound is even more beautiful than I remember it. I can think of someone who really would have enjoyed that. And it makes me sad. How do you ever really know if you're with the right person or the right people? They say people come in and out of your lives as they should but don't you ultimately make the decisions that keep or don't keep them there?

Providence is fun and full of nonsense. We are so grown up living in that house all by ourselves. I'm actually excited for my senior year. I'm thinking a lot about making big changes in my life there and I like that I've got so much time to think about it. That's exactly what I'll do.

I Imagine You When I Was Distant

I have a ton of hours coming up at work this weekend. Friday night, Saturday night and a double on Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised when my boss at my internship said he didn't need me Friday of this week, giving me 5 hours of freedom before death by The Babylon Carriage House begins. I figured I'd run some errands, go to the gym and lay in the sun. THEN Mary texted me after the gym tonight and asked if I was coming to her birthday tomorrow night. As I began typing that no, I couldn't make it because I had to intern and work that YES, infact I can make it because I don't have to be to work until 6. SWEET. I'm so excited to drive by myself for a few hours and see everyone in Providence. What a bonus.

I've just downloaded a bunch of Bon Iver and Tegan and Sara. Bon Iver where have you been all my life?