I'll Leave My Window Open

Yesterday was the hottest day since I've been home. Like, really hot. I attempted to go shopping but failed and went to the beach with my mom instead. I miss having people around all the time.

I got my internship and I start next week. I can't wait to get out of the house. I still have to find a job. Which I'm dreading. I need to be busy every single second of every day because otherwise I am going to continue to be this miserable. I haven't even gotten out of bed today. One step in the right direction. I'm sure things will get better.

There are some small signs of summer around the house. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself. I think I'm going to re-read Eat, Pray, Love.

What Happened To Bulletproof Weeks

I'm struggling at home. To say the least. This happens pretty much every time I come home for more than the weekend. I get bored. I spend too much time fighting the urge to go downstairs and eat ice cream. I spend even more time alone in my bedroom on my laptop watching movies.

I feel like I'm kind of stuck. I'm waiting for hear back from people about internships and jobs. And the only thing I can do is wait. I've got entirely too much time to think. I've already cleaned my room and organized everything that can be organized. I wish I could go shopping all day, but I'm broke. I've been to the beach twice, which is so good. I've missed the ocean. I hope to go again this week.

More than anything, I'm struggling to figure out who I am at home now. I go from being this independent, fearless girl who spent money she didn't have and tried anything and got her nose pierced for Christ's sake to someone who is listless, unmotivated, bored and to be honest, boring. I need to find the medium. How to be both people at once. I'm sad. I miss the adventure and the carefree days.

I'm sure that my internship answer is around the corner and soon everything will figure itself out. For now, I believe that getting healthy is a good priority. And lots of sleep. And painting my nails. And sunshine. These things will heal me. And soon I will feel better. Whole.

American Girls are Weather and Noise

Hello there. I've officially been back in the states for ten days. Last week I headed up to Providence to visit my friends and attend Commencement Week. It was good, it was bad and it was definitely ugly. At times.

Saturday morning I woke up with one of those feelings. Just a weird, not bad, not good but a little off feelings. It was my 21st birthday, I was going to see my sister, my friends from abroad and all of my friends at Providence that day. I was not nearly as excited as I should have been. Seeing Gab and my friends was great, but I got in my car at 9 that morning (still without a license) and wasn't going to get into Providence until 6. Then my car broke down on the side of 95 just as I got into Rhode Island. A few tears and many phone calls later, Triple A came to my rescue and Alexis picked me up. We went out for a casual and typical night in Providence which was welcome after such a day.

I spent the next two days on the couch. I think my body was adjusting to all the food, alcohol and nonsense I had been putting into it. By Tuesday I was ready to go for Club Night. I actually went to the gym for the first time in a long long time on Tuesday. I feel so disgusting and can't wait to get back into shape but am legitimately nervous I won't be able to do what I was able to before I left. That sounds stupid, but it's true. I'm weak and soft. Moving on, Club Night was so fun. By far the most fun night of the week. It was so great to have everyone together again. We danced up a storm, literally. No, not literally. But it sure felt like it.

Day Event on Wednesday was down in Newport. If the weather was warm it would have been a really fun day but it was cold and wet so no one wanted to be outside. We hung around for the entertainment but I was ready to get back to Providence.

Formal Night was Thursday night. It was really fun getting everyone to the hotel and getting ready and seeing everyone dressed up. But the band was bad and it wasn't the best time. Lizzie and I finally found somewhere to sleep and I was happy to get back in the morning. I helped the girls pack up that disaster of a room as much as I could and headed back home. It took five hours which was pretty miserable by myself. I literally had to pee since Connecticut. Today I helped my Grandpa clean his boat at the marina and have been getting organized, applying for jobs, trying to be healthy.

I ordered all of my pictures from the semester and they came in the mail today. They made me so sad. I want to go back. I miss everyone and everything. Being home is nice because it's relaxing and comfortable and is a welcome break. But I want London again.

here are some pictures from commencement week:

How Time Can Move Both Fast and Slow Amazes Me

Well. I'm home. I flew in last night and here I am. It's surreal, to say the least. Leaving London was hard. I wasn't really ready. My last week in London was not an easy one. I was trying to really enjoy every day but I was exhausted, sick and frustrated most of the time. It was great to show my parents where I had been living and I think they really enjoyed themselves. Carla and Peter were really good to us and it was so nice to have them around. It still wasn't much like the life I was living in London before the program ended. I missed my friends and The Crofton and all of the familiar things of my semester.

... I am aware only my mom probably reads this anymore and that's only when I remind her via e-mail that I've updated. But I love my blog so I don't want to stop. Take that, internet.

I think I'm having a bit of culture shock. Part of me is so happy to be home. I'm happy to see my dog and have all my stuff where it belongs. I love the weather and the comfort of being in my own home. I feel like London never happened because it's like I came home and picked up my old life where I left off. I put all my picture frames back up today so it looks like someone actually lives in here. But this room still doesn't feel like me. I'm ordering all of my pictures from the semester now so that should help.

I was getting my nails done today and I found myself really disgusted. These women were way too tan, loud, blunt and had awful accents. I never would have noticed any of these things before but they were so amplified to me today and it made me miss how reserved and polite people were in London. Then I sat in traffic in my car for twenty minutes on Higbie Lane and I really missed London. So, being home is bittersweet I suppose. I felt like I left the new me behind in London and I need to figure out how she can survive here.

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday. I don't really make a very big deal out of birthdays but I'm unbelievably excited to get to Providence and see all of my friends again. I haven't seen Lizzie in a year. A YEAR. Unacceptable.

Here are some pictures from the week.