Pretty Voice

Things I Have Already Learned This Summer:

1. not everyone will like you all the time. some people will not like you just because you show up. or try. or smile. or are friendly. some people will criticize you because they can and you cannot expect them to like you. you have to earn people.

2. do not make decisions to quickly. sit with your thoughts and your feelings. trust yourself but question yourself more. your feelings will change. sometimes you can't go back even though people have let you go back many times before.

3. you need to have goals. living while floating is idle and wasteful. if you know what you want you can work for it and make it happen. you do not need to know everything right now, but you've got to have an idea. figure out the big stuff- the pencil sketches of what you want. only then can you ever really get there.

4. you are not nearly as cool as you sometimes think or pretend you are.

5. things can make you feel good about yourself. i don't care what anyone says.

6. if you are good at something, use it and run with it and let it make you feel alive.

7. it's good to know how to be your own best friend.

8. just because you felt it doesn't mean it's there. stop projecting what you want onto any mildly suitable candidate just because they are there. don't settle.

9. it's okay to be a realist, a romantic and hugely indecisive.

10. stop caring what everyone else thinks. the ballsiest, funniest and coolest people I know genuinely don't give a shit.

I Told You To Be Patient

Sometimes I feel busy. I really do. It's nothing to how busy I have sometimes been. It's weird how that happens. How so many things fill up your days and then they're gone. You find new things to fill them up. Sometimes one or two things to do in a day seem like such an effort when they used to seem like nothing at all. I have so much idle time here. Time I wished I had so many days before. I feel like I'm wasting it because I'm not creating anything or working towards anything. I am passing the time. I am waiting for something bigger. I am not accomplishing or progressing. I am sitting. My hair is growing, finally, and although it desperately needs a cut I will let it grow for as long as I can.

I got to go to Providence last week which was great. I was only gone for exactly 24 hours but it was such a welcome break. The Long Island Sound is even more beautiful than I remember it. I can think of someone who really would have enjoyed that. And it makes me sad. How do you ever really know if you're with the right person or the right people? They say people come in and out of your lives as they should but don't you ultimately make the decisions that keep or don't keep them there?

Providence is fun and full of nonsense. We are so grown up living in that house all by ourselves. I'm actually excited for my senior year. I'm thinking a lot about making big changes in my life there and I like that I've got so much time to think about it. That's exactly what I'll do.

I Imagine You When I Was Distant

I have a ton of hours coming up at work this weekend. Friday night, Saturday night and a double on Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised when my boss at my internship said he didn't need me Friday of this week, giving me 5 hours of freedom before death by The Babylon Carriage House begins. I figured I'd run some errands, go to the gym and lay in the sun. THEN Mary texted me after the gym tonight and asked if I was coming to her birthday tomorrow night. As I began typing that no, I couldn't make it because I had to intern and work that YES, infact I can make it because I don't have to be to work until 6. SWEET. I'm so excited to drive by myself for a few hours and see everyone in Providence. What a bonus.

I've just downloaded a bunch of Bon Iver and Tegan and Sara. Bon Iver where have you been all my life?

All The Things I Wish You'd Be Evaporate Like Whispered Dreams

"When I get lonely these days, I think: so BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

sometimes you just need to be alone.

sometimes not even your best friend needs to know.

sometimes you need to put up the walls

so you can examine yourself in the peace and quiet.

sometimes the loud sounds need to fade away,

leaving only the silence and you; that's it.

In This or Any Other Summer She is Something Altogether Different

I can't find a decent layout that I actually like even a little bit. How annoying. Not like anyone reads this. But still. Last night at work was slow which meant it was torture. I missed out on the Father's Day celebrations at home. Not that I missed much, my brother and sister said it was pretty standard but it would have been good to see everyone and eat some of the good stuff my mom cooked up. I got home and pigged out anyways. Way to go. One of the downsides of this new job is that I don't get to pick my hours and my days. Not that I'm a busy girl these days, but I'm working Friday 6-11, Saturday 5-11 and Sunday 10-9. Sweet. I actually do think it's better this way - to be off during the week when no one is really home and I can do my own thing. I don't like a house full of people. And I'm already on the schedule for 4th of July. I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of because I'm new. It's not like I'm going to say anything. The weather's been good so I've been getting in some reading outside. I'd like to get up to Providence soon. Pointless update, I swear I had more to say.

why have I not been listening to counting crows hard candy before? what a gem.

Goodbye Girl

Last night, my dad and I watched a special on Squeeze - his favorite band - which hails from England and met in London. I feel was quite an appropriate way to celebrate. So Happy Father's Day to the man who gave me my love for music and used to take me to Tower Records on Saturdays and buy me CDs.

Maybe I Only See What I Want

...just got caught between someone I just invented, who I really am and who I've become

i wrote something. i wrote i wrote i wrote. it made me feel better. it feels so good to know a shred of that is still there. i am so different than i was a year ago.

"it's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you don't want to let go, but it's even more painful to ask someone to stay if you can never make the relationship work out the way it should."

Everything Must Belong Somewhere

I've got to stop dwelling on London. It's over. It was great. It happened. It was everything and more than I hope it would be. But I can't ever go back. It changed me and I am much better for having gone. But now I am home. And I have to focus on myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm regressing by being back here. I lived in the middle of a major city and now I am here, in my bedroom in my parents house. My life is smaller.

But I can make the best of this. I can get back in shape and lose ten pounds. I can get some sun and be tan. I can make friends at my new job. I can take a bike ride with my sister. I can sit on the front porch and talk to my mom. I can make scrambled eggs for the first time by myself. I can learn something during my internship. I can read so many books. I can find new music. I can write in my blog and write for a website (or two?) and try to find something to say in The Cowl. I can shop for new clothes and things to decorate my house. I can swim again. I'd like to start writing again. Not like this. This isn't really very good at all. But I know it's something I love doing. I haven't been in a class where I've had to write well since my freshman year. But I know that I am good at it and I could be really good if I tried. How do you even go about that?

I swam tonight for the first time since Harold Anderson in December. It felt great. I knew it would. It's so important to have places like that to go back to that are still the same. It just started down pouring outside. So I am going to sit and enjoy the rain from inside my bedroom in my parents house. And it will be fine.

Just Like You Thought When You Stopped Here to Linger

I left London one month ago today. I want to go back to my life there.

My Love Has Concrete Feet

Happy Sunday. I feel so much more at home now - so much more myself. I really did have a bit of a nervous breakdown when I first get home. I went to sleep and woke up so angry every day. Now I feel calm and settled. With my internship underway and a new job coming up, I'm excited for things. In other news, I'm embarrassed to admit just how much I like the Twilight Eclipse soundtrack.

Yesterday I headed over to Tim's for his graduation party. It was great to see some Friars. We went to the Belmont Stakes which I am again, embarrassed I've never been to being that I live to close. We had a great time making Seabiscuit references. It was really fun and I definitely want to go back. There were a lot of girls there in cute dresses, many with large hats. I wanted to be like this is not the Kentucky Derby, stop trying to make it the Kentucky Derby. You're in Queens.

Things with our house in Providence are working out for the best and my mom and I did some garage sale shopping this weekend. We didn't find anything but I did find a chair on the curb FOR FREE. It's not in the best shape but hey it's a cool leather arm chair. Count me in. I'm going to get up in the attic soon and see what kinda treasures KP and Dave have stashed away up there. I want my house to be decorated and comfortable and homey since for the last two years my attempts at that have failed. Hopefully everyone's on board this year. I'm also hoping to get all of the girls from London together soon. Maybe in Boston??? Hmm I like this plan. I need to see them. As for now, I'll be spending my day in bed and dodging tornadoes. No seriously, there's a tornado warning. Til next time.

I Think I'll Stay Here a While Until I Figure it Out

things that are making me happy:

1. buying lots of new things online

2. having both a job and an internship

3. finding new bathing suits

4. eating cookie batter and watching my sister miserably fail at baking

5. new joshua radin songs

6. sleeping in air conditioning

7. catching kell on earth and the rachel zoe project - i need to work at people's revolution.

8. downloading fight for this love, missed you cheryl

9. being able to sleep without sleeping pills

10. my most recent playlist is called "noodlebusiness"

things that are making me not so happy:

1. not having a significant/substantial/steady income

2. house nonsense

3. three more long months of this

4. missing london

5. that free credit report.com commercial, those furry numbers freak me out

6. missing everyone

7. being afraid to weigh myself

8. glee has been consistently disappointing

9. uncertainty in general

10. being let down by people

going to the gym to rock out to cheryl cole. bye.

the last picture of the band.