I Need To Be Bold

Goodbye AllyPelle.blogspot.com

It's been real. I apologize to ALL of my devoted readers. I know thousands of you are disappointed at the idea of missing out on my vague ramblings, poor grammar and inconsequential posts. This blog is a mess and I'm starting fresh. Unintentional rhyme.

BYE.

Out on The Street Are So Many Possibilities to Not Be Alone

When I was younger, maybe 16, or 18, i remember feeling like I could do absolutely anything. The world was so big and pretty and filled with possibility. There were songs and people and things running through me that made me feel like there was so much ahead. Why is it now that I don't see the beauty anymore? I feel the limitations weighing on me. They're so heavy. I feel like there are so many things I'll never get to do. Never get to see. Like my time's running out. It's almost up. How stupid is that?

I've had a really emotional week. It's been highs and lows to say the least. I wish I knew how to be better here but I need to get out.

"... do you see how the wind in your hair now feels differently?"

- catch and release, silver sun pickups

When We Hear a Certain Song that Hits The Spot and Puts Us in a World That's Not Real Anymore

isn't it hard to pretend that there's no feeling

when you're alone on sunny days

just give me hope there's some light

inside your own engine

some mechanism, still the same

would you be sad if it was raining down

and the only way to float was to smile

would you be mad if i hung around

and we talked like we used to for a while

and you said, how things have changed

they got rearranged

can't tell your left side from your right

and how i'm to blame

for your burning shame

just hang your head low down tonight

oh my brother, it's gonna be alright

if i could change to maybe save

just a breath or two

i would leave it all behind

if i could see you smile

on the morning day

maybe there would still be time

and would you be sad if the world were round

and the only way to live was to sing

would you be mad if I hung around

we shared some of our stories or our tales

and I said how things have changed

they got rearranged

i miss you like the night time misses day

and I held you through the hell and cold

i held you through the storm

would you be mad if the world were lies

and the only way to live was to love

would you mad if i was by your side

and i tried, i tried to help you up

and you said nothing's changed

i'm still the same

i just got confused for a while

but I still care

i still wanna share all of our stories for a while

I've been searching for new music. I'm sick of listening to all the same songs. I need one of those songs that kicks you in the stomach, wrenches out your guts and makes you all twisty-turny inside. That ache. Colby's Song by Joshua James has always been that song for me. Unfortunately, like that song, these usually fall in your lap when you're not looking for them. Kind of like love or opportunities or good ideas. So I'll be here. Not looking.

You Belong Somewhere You Feel Free

I don't feel very free here. I feel limited. I've been working "like it's my job." Well, that's because that's exactly what it is. I've been having more fun at work because I'm getting to know everyone much better so I'm able to enjoy it more. It's been really nice not dreading going in. When there are nice people to meet and appreciate your helping them, I love being there.

Other than that, absolutely nothing is new. Plans for the fall are beginning to materialize and it's nice knowing that I am finally going to get there. Hopefully I'll get to make a visit to the Cape to see Lizzie at the end of the month. I'm very excited to see John Mayer next week with the siblings.

It's been raining an awful lot this week, which is not unwelcome. I loved waking up to the sound of it pouring on the roof this morning. I've been getting great sleep this week as well, which is so unbelievably underrated. I haven't been losing the weight I hoped to, which is because I can't quite get my eating habits under control. And by that I mean, I can't make myself eat less. Maybe it'll be better in the fall when I control what food comes into my house. We'll see.

I can't wait for the summer to be over.

I miss these faces.

Pretty Voice

Things I Have Already Learned This Summer:

1. not everyone will like you all the time. some people will not like you just because you show up. or try. or smile. or are friendly. some people will criticize you because they can and you cannot expect them to like you. you have to earn people.

2. do not make decisions to quickly. sit with your thoughts and your feelings. trust yourself but question yourself more. your feelings will change. sometimes you can't go back even though people have let you go back many times before.

3. you need to have goals. living while floating is idle and wasteful. if you know what you want you can work for it and make it happen. you do not need to know everything right now, but you've got to have an idea. figure out the big stuff- the pencil sketches of what you want. only then can you ever really get there.

4. you are not nearly as cool as you sometimes think or pretend you are.

5. things can make you feel good about yourself. i don't care what anyone says.

6. if you are good at something, use it and run with it and let it make you feel alive.

7. it's good to know how to be your own best friend.

8. just because you felt it doesn't mean it's there. stop projecting what you want onto any mildly suitable candidate just because they are there. don't settle.

9. it's okay to be a realist, a romantic and hugely indecisive.

10. stop caring what everyone else thinks. the ballsiest, funniest and coolest people I know genuinely don't give a shit.

I Told You To Be Patient

Sometimes I feel busy. I really do. It's nothing to how busy I have sometimes been. It's weird how that happens. How so many things fill up your days and then they're gone. You find new things to fill them up. Sometimes one or two things to do in a day seem like such an effort when they used to seem like nothing at all. I have so much idle time here. Time I wished I had so many days before. I feel like I'm wasting it because I'm not creating anything or working towards anything. I am passing the time. I am waiting for something bigger. I am not accomplishing or progressing. I am sitting. My hair is growing, finally, and although it desperately needs a cut I will let it grow for as long as I can.

I got to go to Providence last week which was great. I was only gone for exactly 24 hours but it was such a welcome break. The Long Island Sound is even more beautiful than I remember it. I can think of someone who really would have enjoyed that. And it makes me sad. How do you ever really know if you're with the right person or the right people? They say people come in and out of your lives as they should but don't you ultimately make the decisions that keep or don't keep them there?

Providence is fun and full of nonsense. We are so grown up living in that house all by ourselves. I'm actually excited for my senior year. I'm thinking a lot about making big changes in my life there and I like that I've got so much time to think about it. That's exactly what I'll do.

I Imagine You When I Was Distant

I have a ton of hours coming up at work this weekend. Friday night, Saturday night and a double on Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised when my boss at my internship said he didn't need me Friday of this week, giving me 5 hours of freedom before death by The Babylon Carriage House begins. I figured I'd run some errands, go to the gym and lay in the sun. THEN Mary texted me after the gym tonight and asked if I was coming to her birthday tomorrow night. As I began typing that no, I couldn't make it because I had to intern and work that YES, infact I can make it because I don't have to be to work until 6. SWEET. I'm so excited to drive by myself for a few hours and see everyone in Providence. What a bonus.

I've just downloaded a bunch of Bon Iver and Tegan and Sara. Bon Iver where have you been all my life?

All The Things I Wish You'd Be Evaporate Like Whispered Dreams

"When I get lonely these days, I think: so BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

sometimes you just need to be alone.

sometimes not even your best friend needs to know.

sometimes you need to put up the walls

so you can examine yourself in the peace and quiet.

sometimes the loud sounds need to fade away,

leaving only the silence and you; that's it.

In This or Any Other Summer She is Something Altogether Different

I can't find a decent layout that I actually like even a little bit. How annoying. Not like anyone reads this. But still. Last night at work was slow which meant it was torture. I missed out on the Father's Day celebrations at home. Not that I missed much, my brother and sister said it was pretty standard but it would have been good to see everyone and eat some of the good stuff my mom cooked up. I got home and pigged out anyways. Way to go. One of the downsides of this new job is that I don't get to pick my hours and my days. Not that I'm a busy girl these days, but I'm working Friday 6-11, Saturday 5-11 and Sunday 10-9. Sweet. I actually do think it's better this way - to be off during the week when no one is really home and I can do my own thing. I don't like a house full of people. And I'm already on the schedule for 4th of July. I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of because I'm new. It's not like I'm going to say anything. The weather's been good so I've been getting in some reading outside. I'd like to get up to Providence soon. Pointless update, I swear I had more to say.

why have I not been listening to counting crows hard candy before? what a gem.

Goodbye Girl

Last night, my dad and I watched a special on Squeeze - his favorite band - which hails from England and met in London. I feel was quite an appropriate way to celebrate. So Happy Father's Day to the man who gave me my love for music and used to take me to Tower Records on Saturdays and buy me CDs.

Maybe I Only See What I Want

...just got caught between someone I just invented, who I really am and who I've become

i wrote something. i wrote i wrote i wrote. it made me feel better. it feels so good to know a shred of that is still there. i am so different than i was a year ago.

"it's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you don't want to let go, but it's even more painful to ask someone to stay if you can never make the relationship work out the way it should."

Everything Must Belong Somewhere

I've got to stop dwelling on London. It's over. It was great. It happened. It was everything and more than I hope it would be. But I can't ever go back. It changed me and I am much better for having gone. But now I am home. And I have to focus on myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm regressing by being back here. I lived in the middle of a major city and now I am here, in my bedroom in my parents house. My life is smaller.

But I can make the best of this. I can get back in shape and lose ten pounds. I can get some sun and be tan. I can make friends at my new job. I can take a bike ride with my sister. I can sit on the front porch and talk to my mom. I can make scrambled eggs for the first time by myself. I can learn something during my internship. I can read so many books. I can find new music. I can write in my blog and write for a website (or two?) and try to find something to say in The Cowl. I can shop for new clothes and things to decorate my house. I can swim again. I'd like to start writing again. Not like this. This isn't really very good at all. But I know it's something I love doing. I haven't been in a class where I've had to write well since my freshman year. But I know that I am good at it and I could be really good if I tried. How do you even go about that?

I swam tonight for the first time since Harold Anderson in December. It felt great. I knew it would. It's so important to have places like that to go back to that are still the same. It just started down pouring outside. So I am going to sit and enjoy the rain from inside my bedroom in my parents house. And it will be fine.

Just Like You Thought When You Stopped Here to Linger

I left London one month ago today. I want to go back to my life there.

My Love Has Concrete Feet

Happy Sunday. I feel so much more at home now - so much more myself. I really did have a bit of a nervous breakdown when I first get home. I went to sleep and woke up so angry every day. Now I feel calm and settled. With my internship underway and a new job coming up, I'm excited for things. In other news, I'm embarrassed to admit just how much I like the Twilight Eclipse soundtrack.

Yesterday I headed over to Tim's for his graduation party. It was great to see some Friars. We went to the Belmont Stakes which I am again, embarrassed I've never been to being that I live to close. We had a great time making Seabiscuit references. It was really fun and I definitely want to go back. There were a lot of girls there in cute dresses, many with large hats. I wanted to be like this is not the Kentucky Derby, stop trying to make it the Kentucky Derby. You're in Queens.

Things with our house in Providence are working out for the best and my mom and I did some garage sale shopping this weekend. We didn't find anything but I did find a chair on the curb FOR FREE. It's not in the best shape but hey it's a cool leather arm chair. Count me in. I'm going to get up in the attic soon and see what kinda treasures KP and Dave have stashed away up there. I want my house to be decorated and comfortable and homey since for the last two years my attempts at that have failed. Hopefully everyone's on board this year. I'm also hoping to get all of the girls from London together soon. Maybe in Boston??? Hmm I like this plan. I need to see them. As for now, I'll be spending my day in bed and dodging tornadoes. No seriously, there's a tornado warning. Til next time.

I Think I'll Stay Here a While Until I Figure it Out

things that are making me happy:

1. buying lots of new things online

2. having both a job and an internship

3. finding new bathing suits

4. eating cookie batter and watching my sister miserably fail at baking

5. new joshua radin songs

6. sleeping in air conditioning

7. catching kell on earth and the rachel zoe project - i need to work at people's revolution.

8. downloading fight for this love, missed you cheryl

9. being able to sleep without sleeping pills

10. my most recent playlist is called "noodlebusiness"

things that are making me not so happy:

1. not having a significant/substantial/steady income

2. house nonsense

3. three more long months of this

4. missing london

5. that free credit report.com commercial, those furry numbers freak me out

6. missing everyone

7. being afraid to weigh myself

8. glee has been consistently disappointing

9. uncertainty in general

10. being let down by people

going to the gym to rock out to cheryl cole. bye.

the last picture of the band.

I'll Leave My Window Open

Yesterday was the hottest day since I've been home. Like, really hot. I attempted to go shopping but failed and went to the beach with my mom instead. I miss having people around all the time.

I got my internship and I start next week. I can't wait to get out of the house. I still have to find a job. Which I'm dreading. I need to be busy every single second of every day because otherwise I am going to continue to be this miserable. I haven't even gotten out of bed today. One step in the right direction. I'm sure things will get better.

There are some small signs of summer around the house. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself. I think I'm going to re-read Eat, Pray, Love.

What Happened To Bulletproof Weeks

I'm struggling at home. To say the least. This happens pretty much every time I come home for more than the weekend. I get bored. I spend too much time fighting the urge to go downstairs and eat ice cream. I spend even more time alone in my bedroom on my laptop watching movies.

I feel like I'm kind of stuck. I'm waiting for hear back from people about internships and jobs. And the only thing I can do is wait. I've got entirely too much time to think. I've already cleaned my room and organized everything that can be organized. I wish I could go shopping all day, but I'm broke. I've been to the beach twice, which is so good. I've missed the ocean. I hope to go again this week.

More than anything, I'm struggling to figure out who I am at home now. I go from being this independent, fearless girl who spent money she didn't have and tried anything and got her nose pierced for Christ's sake to someone who is listless, unmotivated, bored and to be honest, boring. I need to find the medium. How to be both people at once. I'm sad. I miss the adventure and the carefree days.

I'm sure that my internship answer is around the corner and soon everything will figure itself out. For now, I believe that getting healthy is a good priority. And lots of sleep. And painting my nails. And sunshine. These things will heal me. And soon I will feel better. Whole.

American Girls are Weather and Noise

Hello there. I've officially been back in the states for ten days. Last week I headed up to Providence to visit my friends and attend Commencement Week. It was good, it was bad and it was definitely ugly. At times.

Saturday morning I woke up with one of those feelings. Just a weird, not bad, not good but a little off feelings. It was my 21st birthday, I was going to see my sister, my friends from abroad and all of my friends at Providence that day. I was not nearly as excited as I should have been. Seeing Gab and my friends was great, but I got in my car at 9 that morning (still without a license) and wasn't going to get into Providence until 6. Then my car broke down on the side of 95 just as I got into Rhode Island. A few tears and many phone calls later, Triple A came to my rescue and Alexis picked me up. We went out for a casual and typical night in Providence which was welcome after such a day.

I spent the next two days on the couch. I think my body was adjusting to all the food, alcohol and nonsense I had been putting into it. By Tuesday I was ready to go for Club Night. I actually went to the gym for the first time in a long long time on Tuesday. I feel so disgusting and can't wait to get back into shape but am legitimately nervous I won't be able to do what I was able to before I left. That sounds stupid, but it's true. I'm weak and soft. Moving on, Club Night was so fun. By far the most fun night of the week. It was so great to have everyone together again. We danced up a storm, literally. No, not literally. But it sure felt like it.

Day Event on Wednesday was down in Newport. If the weather was warm it would have been a really fun day but it was cold and wet so no one wanted to be outside. We hung around for the entertainment but I was ready to get back to Providence.

Formal Night was Thursday night. It was really fun getting everyone to the hotel and getting ready and seeing everyone dressed up. But the band was bad and it wasn't the best time. Lizzie and I finally found somewhere to sleep and I was happy to get back in the morning. I helped the girls pack up that disaster of a room as much as I could and headed back home. It took five hours which was pretty miserable by myself. I literally had to pee since Connecticut. Today I helped my Grandpa clean his boat at the marina and have been getting organized, applying for jobs, trying to be healthy.

I ordered all of my pictures from the semester and they came in the mail today. They made me so sad. I want to go back. I miss everyone and everything. Being home is nice because it's relaxing and comfortable and is a welcome break. But I want London again.

here are some pictures from commencement week:

How Time Can Move Both Fast and Slow Amazes Me

Well. I'm home. I flew in last night and here I am. It's surreal, to say the least. Leaving London was hard. I wasn't really ready. My last week in London was not an easy one. I was trying to really enjoy every day but I was exhausted, sick and frustrated most of the time. It was great to show my parents where I had been living and I think they really enjoyed themselves. Carla and Peter were really good to us and it was so nice to have them around. It still wasn't much like the life I was living in London before the program ended. I missed my friends and The Crofton and all of the familiar things of my semester.

... I am aware only my mom probably reads this anymore and that's only when I remind her via e-mail that I've updated. But I love my blog so I don't want to stop. Take that, internet.

I think I'm having a bit of culture shock. Part of me is so happy to be home. I'm happy to see my dog and have all my stuff where it belongs. I love the weather and the comfort of being in my own home. I feel like London never happened because it's like I came home and picked up my old life where I left off. I put all my picture frames back up today so it looks like someone actually lives in here. But this room still doesn't feel like me. I'm ordering all of my pictures from the semester now so that should help.

I was getting my nails done today and I found myself really disgusted. These women were way too tan, loud, blunt and had awful accents. I never would have noticed any of these things before but they were so amplified to me today and it made me miss how reserved and polite people were in London. Then I sat in traffic in my car for twenty minutes on Higbie Lane and I really missed London. So, being home is bittersweet I suppose. I felt like I left the new me behind in London and I need to figure out how she can survive here.

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday. I don't really make a very big deal out of birthdays but I'm unbelievably excited to get to Providence and see all of my friends again. I haven't seen Lizzie in a year. A YEAR. Unacceptable.

Here are some pictures from the week.

Trying To Fit The World Inside a Picture Frame

Back in London after a relaxing few days in Greece has been book ended by some of the most hectic days I've had here. That sentence doesn't make any sense but I'm entirely too tired to figure out a better way to say that.

Last week, internships finished up which I was surprisingly sad about. My co-workers and I went out for drinks after work on Friday and I was genuinely upset that I wouldn't get to see them again. I met some really, really nice people who were very good to me. Unfortunately, Sunday did not bring such warm fuzzies because I lost my wallet. Not even a nice wallet, but it contained by license, debit card, credit card and BU id. I felt like it was the end of the world when it happened. But instead, the end of the world came just 24 hours later when I accidently deleted my final internship tutorial paper that I had worked on all weekend. 2500 words. gone. Two hours before it was due and I was supposed to be at class in one hour. Awful, absolutely awful. But, I had no time to stop and think about this because the week was about to get even busier and debatably more awful.

Tuesday and Wednesday were spent trying to enjoy my last full days with my friends in London and study for an exam I knew nothing about. Simultaneously, I packed my life into two ramshackle suitcases and tried not to realize how fast it was all ending. Thursay morning's exam marked the end of my junior year.

Ba-na-nas as Rachel Zoe once said.

Thursday, we had the pleasure of moving our hundreds of pounds of luggage over to Knightsbridge into my aunt's garage. This is no easy task, my friend. I can't tell you the amount of dirty looks thrown my way or the number of toes I ran over on the bus. It was getting out of hand. After taking a quick rest at Carla's, we headed back to our last pregame in the Crofton, featuring two blocks of cheese and crackers and of course, Strongbow. We actually saved up random change all semester and put it in a mug called "The Strongbow Fund." I never thought it would add up, but when Reggie and Megan took it to the bank, it totaled 18 pounds. We headed out to the end of the semester party and after some ID trouble at the door and a quick cab ride back to The Crofton to get my passport, we were in. It was fun to see everyone again. Then, it was 2 in the morning and we were vagabonds. We crashed in the Crofton kitchen until our cab came to take us to Victoria at 2:45 AM. Yeah, those early flights always seem like a good idea at the time.

Since the volcanic ash threatened our trip to Greece but magically lifted the day before we flew, I guess we had to expect trouble somewhere. Check in took ages, bags had to be checked and stress levels were peakin'. But we made it on our flight at 5:55, hungover, still in our party dresses but ready to get to Greece. The first day in Corfu was cloudy, but we didn't mind because our eyes were still crusted shut and our bodies were physically eating themselves from the insides out. We ordered room service, pigged out and fell asleep. We hung out in the hotel lobby and then retired early again, psyched up for the sun the next day.

The Aquis Corfu Holiday Palace was quite a place. It was pretty souped up by the looks of the lobby, but they failed to invest beyond that point. All of the hotel staff seemed like robots. We called them The Droids. There weren't many people around but that was fine for us. We spent the week laying out, reading, relaxing, occasionally dipping in the very cold pool and walking around Corfu Town. Oh, and pigging out on our free breakfast and dinner buffet. Whoops.

We flew back from Greece and got ourselves situated in London again. We booked spontaneous tickets to Thriller Live and went for our last dinner at YO Sushi. Sweet deal. Today, I got up at the crack of dawn to get my parents at Heathrow. I was so excited to see them! I teared up when I hugged my mom actually. I felt badly because they were being pretty Droid-y themselves being that they were so jet lagged. They went back to the hotel to sleep and we're meeting up for dinner later. I had to say goodbye to the girls today as they're all headed back to the states. I hate saying goodbye. I always cry. It's too sad. I cannot believe my semester in London is over already. But I've got a week left with KP and Dave to soak it all up.